The 9 Most Obvious Reasons Shohei Ohtani Belongs In Chicago

I had a meeting with Shohei Ohtani's camp the other week in Japan and learned a lot about his free agency needs. This is a blog explaining how the Cubs meet those needs in order of importance.

Summarily, I've organized it into 9 key talking points. 

1. Money

2. Happiness

3. Central Time Zone

4. The Michael Jordan statue

5. Day games and their personal benefits

6. Big Cat moved home

7. International community

8. Rock n Roll McDonalds

9. Kyle Orton's Legacy

Money - The most important medium of exchange in human history. Shohei wants to be paid, but it's not the most important factor. He wants to be fairly compensated for his services, which are valued at approximately $65,000,000 annually using basic arithmetic and 2nd level comparables. Not a full on Black Scholes projection, but you know enough about other players of similar positions that allow us to say Shohei deserves $$$$. Nice thing is the Cubs can afford him after triggering the Act of God clause in their business interruption policy for Biblical Losses during COVID. The cash is there. 

Happiness - The Cubs have enough money to keep Shohei happy, which is very important. He wants to smile and laugh and feel good about himself, which can easily be accomplished by getting a maximum amount of money. That's how you drive and build a higher quality of life without having to account for all the soft stuff like self-esteem and good vibes. That stuff's for pussies. Give him a truckload of money and simply let the happiness follow. Can't make it any easier. 

Central Time Zone - Central time zone rocks, especially the eastern border. Studies have demonstrably proven that the specific window from Northwest Indiana to Aurora (longitudinal) generates the most amount of REM sleep by an overwhelming percentage compared to any other part of the continental 48. And that's before I get to other generous Central Standard considerations: better primetime TV window, morning Big Ten kickoffs, Mexico City synchronization, and of course, night games played in the Price is Right Window at 10am local time Japan. That's the best morning slot in the books. 

Michael Jordan (Statue) - Michael Jordan is arguably one of the greatest athletes of all time. He played in Chicago for most of his career, building the Bulls into an internationally recognized brand. The Bulls honored his efforts with a timeless bronze statue enclosed within a temperature controlled atrium that adjoins the United Center's east entrance. It's an astonishing monument and a nice tour stop to demonstrate our collective appreciation for athletic achievement. Absent MJ actually showing his face around town, I can't think of a better peer representation than the Advocate-Masonic East Atrium.

Day Games - I did the math and turns out Shohei would play a lot of day games for the Cubs, which provides a number of benefits. The most obvious is that Shohei can play during the day, then watch more baseball at night. He loves watching baseball and this is very important. So much that you probably don't believe me. But I'm dead serious. Playing at 1:20pm then being able to catch the East to West coast night slate is a needle-mover that Jed Hoyer should lean on big time. Also consider the general productivity of the Japanese populace in conjunction with a 4:20am 1st pitch. 9 innings of Shohei before a full day's work? That's two birds in one day. That's a huge pull for the whole country.

Big Cat's Championship Pedigree - Big Cat just moved home to Chicago and that means championships. Every year Big Cat predominantly domiciles in Chicago leads to a Championship. Cubs in '16. Hawks in '15. Wisconsin Final 4 in '14. Mix in more Blackhawks and a Chicago Wolves division title in 2012 and you can easily understand the connection I'm driving here. The Cubs are about to enter a golden era with Big Cat back and that means winning multiple world series championships. Based on my conversations with Shohei's camp, that's supposed to be very important. He's never won before, but said it looks enjoyable.

International Community - Chicago is so welcoming to people that enter the United States illegally that I can't even imagine how we'd receive Shohei legitimately in free agency. And I mean that. We really are a welcoming city in every respect down to converting police stations into bed and breakfasts for newcomers. Sensible public policy considerations aside, that's gotta be worth something at the bargaining table. We're good to everyone before ourselves.

Rock n Roll McDonalds (RIP) - A gimmick to locals, the flagship McDonalds location is objectively the most impressive piece of architecture in the greater Chicago metropolitan area. There's also that really nice religious temple on the northside, and the Museum of Science & Industry certainly isn't taking a back seat to anyone. But end of the day, nothing compares to the sheer majesty and supremacy generated from this once-perfect convergence of modern Americana. 

A quick and casual pitstop for 10 nuggets to the property could easily be one of those small things that Shohei ends up caring a lot about. Like how your wife loves your middle name or some totally off the wall shit that should mean nothing to everyone. That's how Rock n Roll McDonald's works into the Shohei pitch. Unlikely, but it has the potential to be a weird deal breaker/maker and we absolutely need to be ready for it. 

Kyle Orton's Legacy - This one might sound crazy, but just think with me for a second. Kyle Orton can't walk into a Naperville Hooters without a crowd following him. Guy's a legend around here and he's maybe the 10th best Bears quarterback in the last 20 years. Think of how much the city loves and embraces mediocrity then apply it to international stardom. That's how I'd frame the upside to Shohei's legacy. I'd chart it out on the same map as Kyle Orton's career and then simply ask Shohei, "Can you do better for Chicago?"

Find me a worse professional athlete with a bigger approval rating than Kyle Orton in Chicago. That's the sticking point. Our standards are so low that there's no such thing as worst case scenario. 

Anyways. 

We hit on a couple of these talking points and I got news for you guys. Mark Grace is handing off #17 to Shohei Ohtani and the Cubs are winning multiple World Series Championships in the next decade. 

That's a guarantee.